these days, pregnancy is getting me down. all the happiness, all the excitement, all the dreams seem far away. where is the energy i had just discovered from making the decision to quit my present career? where is the delight in spring? i´m tired. most days, i collapse after dinner, which is also the time when i feel most sick. i don´t even have cravings anymore, all food seems equally uninteresting and even appalling. and though it may even sound silly, this complete loss of interest in pretty much everything in life is really getting me down. why even bother to do my morning pages writing if i live in a constant state of fogginess. why meditate if clarity is a distant memory. why even get up.
i try to accept how i´m feeling. i try to thank my body for growing a baby. but then i feel the anger bubbling up that something so wonderful can make women feel so rotten. i try to be thankful that i´m not nearly as exhausted as during my first pregnancies. i try to appreciate that i´m not feeling the same degree of sickness every day, all day. but it all helps little.
today, i´m thankful that it´s the first of may and i have the day off. i use the stillness in the house to water my poor neglected plants and to catch up with some writing – making another attempt to break this block. in a way, i am starting to see that like in so many instances of past problems with depression, mood or mental well-being is a complex mix of physical and psychological factors. in a way, i am seeing clearer today.
just as i am writing this, a feeble ray of sunlight lifts the fog outside my window, reminding me that behind it all, there is always a clear, blue sky. i look at the lilac bushes across the park. such beauty.
time then, to make an attempt to clear some things away. to hang up the washing and feed the birds. time to allow the sun into the house. time to allow the sun into my heart.